No Thanks To Hermione
by Padfoot's Sidekick
Summary: Who has saved Harry and Ron butts about a thousand times? Hermione. But has anyone ever said, Thanks a lot Hermione? Noooo. But that's all gonna change. You see, Hermy has figured out the Dark Lord's greatest weakness. And she plans to use that knowledge.
1. The Dark Lord's New Target

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or anyone else from his world for that matter. Heck, I only own one character in this story: **Alexandra Elisabeth Eloise Samantha Suzy Carol Patty Sue Penny Rose Daffodil Violet Terri Shelly Pearl Jewel Jillian Hope Charity Peace Harmony Carly Alexis Monica Hillary Britany Kelly Diana Athena Atlanta Georgia Brooke Kristen Caroline Carter Josephine Diamanda Amanda Lauren Patrice Martha Anne Emma Alice Anna Sally Candy Candice Sarah Chelsea Alyssa Beatrice Lark Raven Mia Lavender Padma Paula Margaret Meg Marie Maria Mary Cindy Lea Amy Abbey Victoria Vicky Tori Millie Miller**! I've put her name in bold throughout the story so as it might be a bit less confusing.

No Thanks to Hermione By Padfoot's Sidekick 

"**Chapter 1: The Dark Lord's New Target"**

"Attention! Attention everyone!"

Nobody in the boisterous crowd paid any notice to the speaker, a tall, white-bearded man with half-moon spectacles by the name of Albus Dumbledore. Nobody, that is, except for me, a bushy-haired teenage bookworm who was trying to hush everybody up so that we could hear what Dumbledore had to say. Of course, no one neither noticed nor cared about me or my attempts to quiet the crowd. No one ever did. Merlin, but I felt like a nobody!

"ATTENTION!" Dumbledore finally shouted.

Still not listening . . .

"FINE then! _Don't_ pay any attention!"

That got 'em. The room suddenly went silent as a grave as all heads turned toward the bearded man. _((A/N: Imagine crickets chirping.)) _Dumbledore looked slightly startled.

"Okay then," he began after clearing his throat. "You are probably all wondering why I called this emergency meeting of the Order of the Phoenix."

"No, not really," someone called from somewhere in the middle of the audience.

Dumbledore raised a critical eyebrow.

"You're about to tell us who the Dark Lord is looking for for his next big target," the person explained. "Besides Harry Potter, I mean."

"Stand up," Dumbledore commanded, his blue eyes scanning the room for the speaker.

When the person obeyed, I was surprised to find that it was **Alexandra Elisabeth Eloise Samantha Suzy Carol Patty Sue Penny Rose Daffodil Violet Terri Shelly Pearl Jewel Jillian Hope Charity Peace Harmony Carly Alexis Monica Hillary Britany Kelly Diana Athena Atlanta Georgia Brooke Kristen Caroline Carter Josephine Diamanda Amanda Lauren Patrice Martha Anne Emma Alice Anna Sally Candy Candice Sarah Chelsea Alyssa Beatrice Lark Raven Mia Lavender Padma Paula Margaret Meg Marie Maria Mary Cindy Lea Amy Abbey Victoria Vicky Tori Millie Miller**, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. Moving on.

"Well, **Alexandra Elisabeth Eloise Samantha Suzy Carol Patty Sue Penny Rose Daffodil Violet Terri Shelly Pearl Jewel Jillian Hope Charity Peace Harmony Carly Alexis Monica Hillary Britany Kelly Diana Athena Atlanta Georgia Brooke Kristen Caroline Carter Josephine Diamanda Amanda Lauren Patrice Martha Anne Emma Alice Anna Sally Candy Candice Sarah Chelsea Alyssa Beatrice Lark Raven Mia Lavender Padma Paula Margaret Meg Marie Maria Mary Cindy Lea Amy Abbey Victoria Vicky Tori Millie**, who do you think Lord Voldemort is after?"

"Ron Weasley, Harry Potter's one and only best friend." And what am I? Chopped liver? Don't answer that.

Dumbledore raised his other eyebrow.

"That's incorrect, **Alexandra Elisabeth Eloise Samantha Suzy Carol Patty Sue Penny Rose Daffodil Violet Terri Shelly Pearl Jewel Jillian Hope Charity Peace Harmony Carly Alexis Monica Hillary Britany Kelly Diana Athena Atlanta Georgia Brooke Kristen Caroline Carter Josephine Diamanda Amanda Lauren Patrice Martha Anne Emma Alice Anna Sally Candy Candice Sarah Chelsea Alyssa Beatrice Lark Raven Mia Lavender Padma Paula Margaret Meg Marie Maria Mary Cindy Lea Amy Abbey Victoria Vicky Tori Millie**," Dumbledore replied. I heard Ron heave a sigh of relief next to me. Yay for him. "Voldemort is actually, **Alexandra Elisabeth Eloise Samantha Suzy Carol Patty Sue Penny Rose Daffodil Violet Terri Shelly Pearl Jewel Jillian Hope Charity Peace Harmony Carly Alexis Monica Hillary Britany Kelly Diana Athena Atlanta Georgia Brooke Kristen Caroline Carter Josephine Diamanda Amanda Lauren Patrice Martha Anne Emma Alice Anna Sally Candy Candice Sarah Chelsea Alyssa Beatrice Lark Raven Mia Lavender Padma Paula Margaret Meg Marie Maria Mary Cindy Lea Amy Abbey Victoria Vicky Tori Millie**, looking for someone a bit different than our favorite heroes."

He smiled at Harry and Ron. I felt sorry for whoever Voldemort was looking for. Dumbledore could be pretty unfair when comparing his "favorite heroes" to someone else.

"Then who's he after?" urged** Alexandra Elisabeth Eloise Samantha Suzy Carol Patty Sue Penny Rose Daffodil Violet Terri Shelly Pearl Jewel Jillian Hope Charity Peace Harmony Carly Alexis Monica Hillary Britany Kelly Diana Athena Atlanta Georgia Brooke Kristen Caroline Carter Josephine Diamanda Amanda Lauren Patrice Martha Anne Emma Alice Anna Sally Candy Candice Sarah Chelsea Alyssa Beatrice Lark Raven Mia Lavender Padma Paula Margaret Meg Marie Maria Mary Cindy Lea Amy Abbey Victoria Vicky Tori Millie**.

That was when Dumbledore looked right at me, his forget-me-not blue eyes solemn, when my blood went cold. I knew what he was going to say. He knew I did. He said those fatal words anyway: "Hermione Granger."

A/N: 'Ello!!! So, did you like it? I couldn't resist putting in that name!!!! It was _so_ much fun!!! Well, you had better review or else I'll sick my PERNICIOUS PENGUINS on you!!!!!!!!


	2. How It All Started

**No Thanks To Hermione**

By Padfoot's Sidekick

"Chapter 2: How It All Started"

"Hermione Granger."

My breath froze in my chest. _Me?_ What would Voldemort want with _me?_ I mean, come on. I'm a bushy haired teen with unofficial nicknames like "worthless," "fragile," and "weakling." Who's gonna want a girl like _that?_ Oh yeah. I forgot. Not.

"What does he want with me?" I finally choked out.

Dumbledore surveyed me solemnly, but that annoying twinkle was twinkling away in those bright blue eyes. Merlin, that stupid twinkle is so annoying!

"Why, he wants you as bait of course," he stated calmly and slowly, as if I were five years old and this was the most obvious thing on the planet. "Lord Voldemort simply wants to use you so he can get his hands on our dear Mr. Potter." His gaze swiveled to Harry. Bloody prat. Dumbledore, I mean, not Harry. Never mind.

"So, Albus, what are we going to do about this. We can't honestly take Miss Granger out into battle with us. She would be wounded or stunned or even _killed_ within five minutes," McGonagall was saying.

I gave out an indignant snort. 'I'm not an ignorant child, you know! I know how to protect myself!' I wanted to shout. But I didn't. That would be like whining, and no way am I going to start whining. Plus for some strange reason, while my mind was running perfectly, my mouth wasn't working. Well, that's probably because of the fact that _the Dark Lord was after me!_

"Quite right, Minerva," Dumbledore answered her. But his eyes were on me. "Miss Granger has proved incapable in combat."

Whoa. Pause. I bet that you're wondering what the Headmaster of my school was talking about. Well, it all started at the end of my fifth year a Hogwarts…

"_WE'VE GOT HIM!" yelled the Death Eater nearest Harry, "IN AN OFFICE OFF –"_

"Silencio!"_ cried Hermione, and the man's voice was extinguished. He continued to mouth through the hole in his mask, but no sound came out; he was thrust aside by his fellow._

"Petrificus Totalus!"_ shouted Harry, as the second Death Eater raised his wand. His arms and legs snapped together and he fell forward, facedown onto the rug at Harry's feet, stiff as a board and unable to move at all._

"_Well done, Ha –"_

_But the Death Eater Hermione had just struck dumb made a sudden slashing movement with his wand from which flew a streak of what looked like purple flame. It passed across Hermione's chest; she gave a tiny "oh!" as though of surprise and then crumpled onto the floor where she lay motionless._

Let's just say that after that little happening Dumbledore decided that I was worthless at everything having to do with fighting, Death Eaters, and/or Voldemort. Everything but cheering on "Hogwarts' Favorite Heroes" and the rest of the Order of the bloody Phoenix. Kind of a stupid notion, really.

For example, who is the best student at Transfiguration? Me. At Potions? Me (but Snape won't admit it). At History of Magic? Me. At Charms? Me. Me. ME! Heck the only one better at Defense Against the Dark Arts is Harry. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean to sound conceited. Believe me. It's just that one day I snuck into McGonagall's office to see my personal record, and it said (as much as the teachers loathe to admit it) that I'm at the top at every class!

Heck, the only thing good coming from that sad end of fifth year is that 1. I got all O's in my OWL's, and 2. I got to join the Order of the Phoenix. More like the Order of the Fat Roasted Chicken. Arrogant gits. Well, some of them at least. Tonks is cool. Okay, I'm getting off track here. Back to the story.

"So, if I can't fight," I wondered aloud, "what am I going to do?"

"Yes," prompted **Alexandra Elisabeth Eloise Samantha Suzy Carol Patty Sue Penny Rose Daffodil Violet Terri Shelly Pearl Jewel Jillian Hope Charity Peace Harmony Carly Alexis Monica Hillary Britany Kelly Diana Athena Atlanta Georgia Brooke Kristen Caroline Carter Josephine Diamanda Amanda Lauren Patrice Martha Anne Emma Alice Anna Sally Candy Candice Sarah Chelsea Alyssa Beatrice Lark Raven Mia Lavender Padma Paula Margaret Meg Marie Maria Mary Cindy Lea Amy Abbey Victoria Vicky Tori Millie**. "What will little Miss Weak – err, I mean Granger do while us strong and mighty warriors fight for the glory of the Light?" Not in the least bit full of herself, is she?

"Miss Granger will reside in Gryffindor Tower under armed guard, so Lord Voldemort or his Death Eaters can abduct her," was the answer.

Hang on. "Reside"? "Gryffindor Tower"? "Armed guard"?! What am I, a jailbird?

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A/N: Well? What did you think? Good? Bad? Funny? Or just plain stupid? Thank you, fine reviewer!!!!

**Dragon Rider22:** I hadn't thought of Alex as a Mary-Sue, but that's a good idea! Not the regular kind of Mary-Sues in most stories, but you know, the kind that is an actual species-thing (see "Bloody Mary-Sues" by Hyoudentai for more details). Thank you for reviewing!!!!


	3. The Great Soap Opera Bonanza

_A/N:_ Okay, Ladies and Germs, it seems I have a few things to clear up.  First of all, I kinda forgot to put a disclaimer on my chapter 2, so here it goes:

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for what is mine. Live with it. Oh, and by the way, the little italisized segment does _not_ belong to me, it's J.K.R.'s. You can find it in OotP, a.k.a. the fifth HP book. You can thank my Muse for my lack of creativity and originality, which caused me to copy it directly from the book. She decided to take her eight sisters to McDonald's for her birthday. If it were my birthday, I would have taken _my _family to somewhere cooler, not a fast food place. But that's not the point. The point is that it wasn't even her birthday! But Zeus, her dad, thought that it was and got all mad at me because her thought that I had forgotten his daughter's B-day (but I really didn't because her birthday is in July, not January), so he started throwing thunderbolts at me! Luckily my dear Muse friend got him to cool down, but I still could have been killed. Okay. Moving on._

Right, Next thing it says on the agenda is to apologize profusely for the whole chapter being totally in bold. It was an accident. Okay, here it goes: I apologize profusely for the whole chapter being totally in bold. It was an accident.

And last but definitely not least, when it said _''Miss Granger will reside in Gryffindor Tower under armed guard, so Lord Voldemort or his Death Eaters **can** abduct her,' was the answer,"_ I meant _"'Miss Granger will reside in Gryffindor Tower under armed guard, so Lord Voldemort or his Death Eaters** cannot** abduct her,' was the answer."_ Sorry. Now, on with the chapter!

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**No Thanks to Hermione**

**By Padfoot's Sidekick**

"**Chapter 3: The Great Soap Opera Bonanza"**

Professor Dumbledore led the way to Gryffindor Tower after the meeting. I could have got there perfectly fine by myself, you know. I guess he wanted to make she I wasn't attacked by any of the paintings or something. Or maybe because he wanted to introduce me to my two new "bodyguards." Yes, that sounds more logical and reasonable.

Two men were standing outside the Fat Lady's portrait when we got there. The first, a large strong man with bulging muscles and a tight black shirt stood with his feet spread apart and his hands behind his back. It reminded me of the way soldiers stood in the Muggle army. Not that I've actually seen a Muggle army, I just watch a lot of Muggle movies, with me being Muggleborn and all.

"Miss Granger," Dumbledore began, "this is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Mr. Schwarzenegger, this is Hermione Granger." **(1)**

"I am pleased to meet you," Arnold said, shaking my hand. He had a thick Austrian accent.

"It's nice to meet you, too," I replied politely.

"And this, Miss Granger, is Inigo Montoya," **(2) **Dumbledore continued, gesturing toward the second man. He was a tall, Hispanic guy with shoulder-length hair and a mustache. A sword hung by his side. "He doesn't speak much English."

"Hola," he said.

"Uh, Sí? Hola?" I asked uncertainly, taking the offered hand. Hey, what can I say? I can't speak Spanish! _((A/N: But I can! ))_

"Gentlemen," Dumbledore started as he turned to my new bodyguards, "remember, do not let Ms. Granger out of the Gryffindor Tower under any circumstances, and do not let anyone in. Thank you. Now I really must be going. Goodbye Ms. Granger, Mr. Schwarzenegger, Mr. Montoya." And with that, he left. Finally.

Beside me, I heard Arnold translate what my headmaster had said to Inigo. But I guess it wasn't a very good translation, because the poor man still looked confused.

I'm sorry to say that I couldn't last two days in the Gryffindor Tower without being able to get out. My food was being brought to me, so the excuse of going to the Great Hall to eat was worthless, and the professors came up to tutor me between classes, so going to lessons was worth nil also. I also couldn't sneak out, as Arnold and Inigo had stationed themselves directly inside the portrait hole.

They had brought a Muggle television set into the Common Room and somehow got it to work, and so they were always watching cheesy soap operas. They had also fiddled with the channel changer until it had Spanish subtitles so Inigo could understand what the characters were saying. It was kind of funny really. Like this one time, they were both watching this soppy show – idiotic thing if you ask me – and one of the characters, Rosalina, was breaking up with her boyfriend, Paul. Here's how it all went:

_"Oh, Paul!"_ Rosalina cried dramatically, flipping her black hair – which was clearly colored, and rather horribly I must admit. _"Paul, darling, I'm afraid we might have to . . . break up!"_

"Why, Rosalina? Why?" bawled Arnold.

"¿Por qué Rosalina? ¿Por qué?" sobbed Inigo.

Not that I paid attention to what was happening in the shows or anything. I only came for the Spanish Lessons. You see, while the shows were going on, I'd read the Spanish subtitles, at the same time listening to the English words, and presto! I know Spanish!

Well anyway, my chance to escape finally came one day, when Arnold had fallen asleep on the sofa, and Inigo was clearly absorbed in his program. I tiptoed past, careful not to disturb either one. After I had gotten past the two of them and laid my hand on the edge of the portrait hole, about to climb through and out to freedom, Inigo's head snapped around.

"Hola Inigo," I said nervously.

"¿Adónde vas?" he asked slowly. (Where are you going?)

"Dumbledore dijo que puedo ir al Great Hall para la cena," I replied, forcing a smile. (Dumbledore said that I could go to the Great Hall for dinner.)

Inigo nodded once and I was free. Finally.

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**(1): No, I do not own Arnold Schwarzenegger, or the Terminator.**

**(2): Nor do I own The Princess Bride.**

**_A/N:_** So what d'you think? I know, I know, it's short, but you'll all live, right? The next chapter should be a scream! Here are some previews:

_**555**_

_**"Bush-brain?"**_

_**"Malfoy, if I were a bush-brain, then you'd be dumber than a rock."**_

_**555**_

_**"Miss Granger? What are you doing out of Gryffindor Tower?"**_

_**555**_

_**"My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."**_

_**555**_

Now for those oh-so-very-nice reviewers!

**Rainbow26:** Oh! I'm sooo glad you liked it! Do you really think it's that good? tear tear!

**Speak Out:** Do you really think the name thing is annoying? Dang. And it was _so_ much fun to write! Oh well. From now on, her name is Alex. And no, this is not a spoof, just a random comedy thingy-ma-bobber.  PS- I really got one of the murderer suspect people right? YAY!

_Praise for chapter 1:_

**Laura-Grant:** Hermione says thank you for the support! You are one of her new favorite people! 

_**CONTEST!**_

**OK, whoever can guess how many fingers the murderer of Inigo Montoya's father has gets to be a character in a later chapter. Have fun!**


	4. War

_((A/N: Yay! I have **two** contest winners! The first, **The Phantom Wolf,** got the answer right (yep, Inigo's dad's killer had 6 fingers), and **Rainbow26's** answer I loved so much that I have to put her/him in! Okay, **Phantom Wolf** and **Rainbow**, if you could please tell me your gender, and give me a name (it doesn't have to be your own), it would be greatly appreciated! But if I don't get them by the time I post the next chapter, I'll have to make it up, so hurry!_

_Also, I apologize for the fact that this chapter is so short, and for the fact that I have none of the little previews I wrote at the bottom of Chapter 3. I'm just so tired and I want to get this chapter over with. Anywho, on with the story!))_

No Thanks To Hermione 

**By Padfoot's Sidekick**

**Chapter 4: War**

Suddenly, I heard footsteps coming down the hall, so I ducked behind a suit of armor. As I peeked around it, I saw Professor McGonagall speed walk toward the Fat Lady's painting, who happened to be asleep. I don't know what the deal with McGonagall's speed walking is, but for some strange reason, she always does it. Then a thought hit me: if the Transfiguration-teaching, power-walking lady saw me, I was toast. Literally.

"Excuse me," McGonagall said to the sleeping portrait. The Fat Lady only snored. "Excuse me," she said a bit louder. Snore. Snore. Snooore! "WAKE UP!" the professor finally yelled.

The Fat Lady woke with a start. "Sorry? Yes?" she said drowsily. "Oh, hello Professor! What can I do for you?"

"Peach blossom," growled McGonagall.

"Well!" huffed the Fat Lady, and opened with a slight _humph!_

Now was my chance. I sprinted down the hallway, around a couple corners, and down a few flights of stairs. I soon found myself outside of the Great Hall. Suddenly, I heard screams and shouts coming from inside. What the heck! Great. Just great. With my luck this past week, we were probably being attacked by Death Eaters, or giant tadpoles, or the shepherd's pie, or . . .

I stuck my head in the Great Hall, hoping to get a clue as to what in Merlin's name was happening in there, and guess what I got?

If you guessed an early Christmas present, than you're wrong.

For those of you who guessed a great glob of purple slime in the face, then you've just won a million galleons!

Not.

But you were correct. As soon as I wiped the slime out of my eyes, I saw what had happened.

Fred and George Weasley had come out with a new product.

It looked like those little plastic water pistols that little Muggle boys liked to annoy little Muggle girls with, except for the fact that instead of squirting water everywhere, they were spewing up slime. Purple slime. It stuck to everything: tables, chairs, floors, walls, the enchanted ceiling, small children, Dumbledore's beard, Professor Snape's nose . . .

Speaking of Snape, he was currently glaring at everyone and everything, trying to get the little kiddies to settle down, but everybody just ignored him. So then he tried to get people's attention by waving his arms and shouting (which is nothing like him, Hogwarts had seriously gone to the dogs), but all that did was land him with several golf ball-sized blobs of violet-colored slime in the hair and nose. At least he has to wash his hair now.

While all this was happening, most of the other teachers were diving for cover, all except McGonagall, who was probably tearing the Gryffindor Tower apart trying to look for me; Alex, the DADA professor, who was sleeping on the head table; and Albus Dumbledore, who seemed to not have realized that the Great Hall had turned into a war zone. I will never understand him.

Okay, so I'm on the run and there is a large purple-slime-war in the Great Hall. What do I do?

Anyone have a spare gun?

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**Rainbow26:** Thank you! Yeah, I know, "sublime" is an awesome word:-) _(Please look at the Author's Note at the top of the page for more!)_

**The Phantom Wolf:** Yeah, I totally know how you feel about The Princess Bride. At least, I think I do. I've never read the book, but I've seen the movie. I'm going to Vroman's Bookstore soon (with a $25 gift certificate, thanks Tori!), so I'll get the book while I'm there! Anywho, thanks for the review! _(Please look at the Author's Note at the top of the page for more!)_

**Dragon Rider22:** OMG! Thank you SO much for the little soap opera clip! It's exactly what I needed!

_Praise for Chapter 2:_

**Dragon Rider22:** Thanks:-)


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